Birthdays and Rumplestiltskin
by agent000
Summary: Ed and Roy tell a very messed up version of Rumplestilskin for my brother's birthday. Sigh. Warning: Crazy writer at keyboard.


**_Heh, what am I up to this time? Sigh. Weirdness, like always. I actually wrote this up a few months ago for my brother's (His name is Tucker) birthday. I just wrote it all on the spot, off the top of my head, so yeah, it's weird. Heh, that's a scary thought when you think about it. Since it was all off the top of my head, that means that I think this way naturally, and that I don't have to give it much thought. Scary. Hope you enjoy it though._**

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**_Disclaimer: I don't own FullMetal Alchemist. I honestly don't know why I keep doing these disclaimers, since everyone knows I don't own it, and I'm posting it on ffdotnet with is a dead giveaway. I think that I just like to have an excuse to try and be creative with disclaimers. Yeah, I think that must be it._**

Edward placed the birthday cake on the tableand stood back and admired it. His wiped his brow. "Phew, that's finally done. Winry sure is an evil overlord in the kitchen." 

He started patting his sides, trying to locate the matches to light the candles, but wasn't having any success. He turned towards Roy. "Colonel, do you have a match?" 

Roy smirked. He stood up, snapped his fingers, and sent a streak of fire over towards the cake, completely engulfing it in flames. 

"Colonel, you idiot! You burned up the cake!" shouted Ed. 

"Hey, hey, that's no way to talk to a superior," stated Roy calmly. 

"But I worked so hard on that cake!" yelled Ed. 

"Well, why don't we just tell a fairy tale instead?" said Roy. 

"But he's too old for fairy tales," said Ed. 

"Not for messed-up ones," said Roy. 

Ed couldn't argue with that, so he shrugged his shoulders and let Roy proceed. 

"Once upon a time," said Roy, "There was a spinner named Winry. She was one of the best spinners in the land. She was so good, in fact, that people started spreading the rumor that she could spin straw into gold. 

"One day, the king heard of this great spinner, and sent for Winry. When she was brought before her, he commanded her to spin him a room full of gold, or she would be put down into the dungeon. She panicked, knowing that the rumors weren't true, but what could she do?" 

"Wait a minute!" said Edward, "This story isn't messed up enough! It's just like the fairy tale, but with the names changed. Get crazier, will you?" 

"Who's telling the story, Fullmetal, you or me?" 

Ed shrugged his shoulders again. He just couldn't win against the Colonel. "Go on with your story." 

"Thank you," said Roy, "Anyway, King Roy..." 

"King Roy! I knew there was something shady about that king!" shouted Edward. 

"Will you just let me tell the story?" asked Roy. 

"Fine," said Edward, "Tell your story." 

"Okay, King Roy shoved her into a room full of straw and told her that she had exactly twenty-four hours to spin it all into gold. Then he left the room. Winry started crying, knowing that she couldn't do anything about it. 

"Suddenly, a little man named Edward appeared..." 

"I WON'T PLAY A LITTLE MAN!" 

"Okay, an un-little man named Edward appeared, and told her that he would spin the straw into gold in return for her firstborn son. Having no son yet, she agreed without thinking. So, the un-little man, Edward, transmuted the whole room full of straw into gold. 

"When King Roy saw this, he got so excited that he married Winry..." 

"You pervert!" shouted Edward, "She's a lot younger than you!" 

"This is just a story, FullMetal, relax!" said Roy. "Anyway...After a while, they had their firstborn son, and Winry realized that she didn't want to give him up. So, when the little, uh I mean, un-little man showed up again, she got really depressed. 

"Seeing this, the un-little man told her that if she could guess his name, he would let her keep her child. So, she thought for a minute, then said, 'I'll guess...Edward.' 'Darn,' he said, 'You guessed.' So, he walked away and was never heard from again." 

"That's a story?" shouted Edward, "That's what you call a story?" 

"What's wrong with it?" asked Roy. 

"It was...well...I don't know...It just left something to be desired." 

"Well," said Roy, "Why don't you fix it yourself?" 

"Fine, I will" said Edward. And this was what he came up with. 

"Edward was so upset about not getting his payment for the deed he had done, that he went back to his secret underground lab, and mixed up a potion of powerful chemicals. 'This will make me grow big and strong,' he said, 'Then I will get my revenge!' He drank the potion, and then grew so tall that he was towering over the city. 

"'Muahahahahahahaha!' he laughed, 'You can't call me short now! I will now get my revenge!' He proceed to stomp through the town, crushing houses and trees and three-eyed cows..." 

"Three-eyed cows? Where did that come from?" asked Roy. 

"I don't know, I just decided to say it," said Edward, "Now back to the story. He reached the palace and said, 'I will get my revenge on you, Winry! You shall regret the day that you guessed my name!'" 

Then, Roy piped up and started telling the story, "Then, King Roy called his royal sorcerer, Hohenheim, and said, 'Tell me, royal sorcerer Hohenheim, how do you defeat an un-little man that just drank a potion and became VERY un-little?' 

"The royal sorceror rubbed his chin for a moment, and then said, 'His greatest weakness is milk. If you force feed him milk, he'll return to his normal size.' 'Thank you, royal sorcerer, Hohenheim. You are dismissed.' He waved his hand, and the sorcerer bowed, and left. 

"So, King Roy loaded up a cannon with milk, and shot it at Edward's face. 'NOOOOOOO!' Edward yelled as he slowly shrunk back to normal size. 'I will get my revenge, just wait, you'll see!' However, King Roy has apparently hit him with too much milk, because after Edward returned to his normal size, he started to melt. Before long, he was just a puddle on the ground. 

"'Oops,' said Roy, 'I guess I overdid it.' So, he called the royal cleaner to come and clean up the mess, and then the whole kingdom lived happily ever after. The end." 

"That's not how I was going to end it!" yelled Edward. 

"I know, but this was so much funnier," said Roy. 

"NO, IT WASN'T!" yelled Edward. 

"Yes it was, everyone knows it was," said Roy, annoyingly calm, which just made Edward steam even more. 

"I'm going to get you for that, Colonel!" said Edward. 

"You're so pathetic, FullMetal," said the Colonel, "You can't even win in a fairy tale!" 

At that, Edward blew his top and started rushing at Roy. Roy took one look at Edward, and decided that this would not be a good time to stick around. So, he quickly shouted, "Happy Birthday, Tucker!" then turned and ran as fast as any human could, with a very outraged chibi alchemist following close at hand. Like all good fairy tales, they ran off into the sunset, but nobody knows if it will end happily ever after or not. The End. 

**_Heh, okay, so yeah, I'm weird. Hope you enjoyed this little oneshot. Review, and let me know what you thought._**


End file.
